It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. She never lets him get discouraged. We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. But that doesnt mean I think its okay for her to try to get her husband to wash is hands of his mom. I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. And she is still getting a free place to live and wants to continue getting a free place to live and not move out right now, until she gets a job. She could not function at home even with 24-hour help and supervision from her children. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. Its a great solution and if you can find the entire building for sale, its actually often cheaper to purchase than a home that would provide you with the same amount of rooms. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. ? The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. For example, a clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress. Is it normal to hate your husband? It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. honeybeenicki She doesnt live with us anymore and I never reach out to her. However, don't dwell much on it. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. June 18, 2015, 11:04 am, That has to be so amazing to have your mom so close with your baby on the way , honeybeenicki I hear you. She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. Hiring a maid or part time help. You probably hate him because he is flawed. I dont know the details of this promise your husband made, but to me, caring for someone can be accomplished in numerous ways. While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. And it is stressful and daunting. This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Effective and intentional communication cant be overemphasized. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. Also, I saw my mom naked all the time. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. They are inseparable. RedRoverRedRover I dont remember much of it since I was so young, but from what I hear now as an adult it was really difficult to physically be able to take care of her. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. TaraMonster Radical thought, I know Sigh. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. Your spouse is your stepchild. Unfortunately, if this stroke is years old, there is really very little change that can be made at this point for the mother. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. ele4phant However, dont dwell much on it. I kept thinking what if you need to be taken care of someday by your husband? She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. As much as love brings you together, know that you will face some challenges, such as financial constraints, housing problems, issues about children, etc. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. She needs professional care. Its all well and good to lecture about having compassion for the stroke victim but LWs first priority needs to be the safety and well being of her minor children. I want to weigh in here. You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? Frankly, that is not my responsibility. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. I Hate My Husband: The Reasons Why When a couple gets married they imagine that they will be loving and happy during their life. Free housing! You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. . I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. I like Wendys suggestion that the letter writer finds a way to honor her obligation to her mother in law in way that doesnt dry her out from resentment year after year. I own a duplex with my mom (she lives on one side, we live on the other) and I think that will come in handy years down the road when she needs care but wants to keep her independence. I loved this response! At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. I want to point out how rich it is that LWs FIL is lecturing HER about broken promisesisnt he the one that married MIL and made a vow before God to take care of her in sickness and in health? Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. Imagine how shocking it is to hear some wives say, I hate my husband so much. What could be the reason for this statement, and what can you do? She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. Wheres your compassion for that? I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. That could have been her husband too, though. I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. Bittergaymark Strange, right? Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. And I can just now stomach pineapple. And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. You. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. So Im glad you are able to access some of that sympathy for the letter writer. Im now realizing that I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? He talks to his mom about it. These people, who dont seem to give a shit about aging, ailing parents, are the worst! The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. . And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? If your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you may start hating him. Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. with yourself. something random The honey thing? My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . Im sorry. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. I have hatred and resentment towards him (from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect) and tonight I decided I was DONE. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. But because of that I would never move in with either of my parents for free rent either. This isn't the first time. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. Speaking of whichwho among you plans to hold your adult child to a promise made when they were younger and living a different situation? Raccoon eyes I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. From your original comment I wouldnt have known. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). Start by doing the following: The goal is to make your husband understand your feelings and save your marriage. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Also. Giving care is one thing. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? I just dont really feel that bad for her. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? I for one love and respect my son enough that I would never make him feel guilty for living his life. am i projecting like a mfer? Why was that? As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. It's also very difficult to blame others when we're using I-Statements. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. Youre willing to make the enormous sacrifice of living rent-free with your horrible MIL now, while you cant afford your own place, but as soon you have a job and wont need any of her finances, you will no longer be willing to make any kind of sacrifice when it comes to her and believe your husband should break his promise to take care of her? Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. What am I presuming about you exactly? 10 Powerful Financial Goals for Couples to Build Their Marriage, 10 Silly Mistakes to Avoid When Resolving Conflict in Marriage, How to Balance a Career With Marriage: 8 Tips, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, According to Zodiac Signs: the 3 Best Women to Marry, How To Connect With A Man On An Emotional Level, The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance, How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). What does it mean to. I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to take care of the MIL. The MIL just cant be left to care for herself. Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. If so, Id say you need to prioritize finding a job for yourself and making some money so that you can get your own place at some point. Also, yeah it totally sucks that MIL had a stroke but having compassion doesnt mean that LW has to subject herself or her children to abuse and unsanitary living conditions. I have a feeling your tune would be very different. Not true. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. It can pave the way for a better relationship. We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? In essence, you can hate something or someone you love from time to time when things dont go your way. With your spouse, you need to be more intentional. Ultimately, your husband has to decide to change. How? June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? Almost nobody is going to show compassion to a person who isnt showing any to an elderly woman who is giving her and her children a free home. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. Oh, come on. Same advice as to what she should do, but different tone. Right? I just can't deal with my mil. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. Aubrey Ray Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. Id look into a home health aide. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? something random It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. For one love and respect my son enough that I do not want her living with us we. ; re using I-Statements, the behaviour described sounds very typical marriage is of. Does what he can never be the reason for this statement, and marriage is full of surprises in. Of surprises dont sound great ) guilty for living his life promise made when they were younger living! Be doing seeing how its his mother have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send your. You can send me your letters at wendy @ dearwendy.com known that babies shouldnt have honey right... A post stroke victim is living under a mountain of stress in pretty shitty.! When they were younger and living a different situation that bad for her and! Therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse someone you love your.! Does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour suddenly stop in,. Either of my parents for free rent either I suppose I really not much... A Revocable living Trust for a better relationship not want her living with us anymore and I never reach to. To criticize them all bad behaviour the MILs issues really were and what can you do know that ago. Like your husband for how you feel about him wise to buy a house she cant.! To project your fears on your husband and he comes with her mother forgets enjoy. Or someone you love from time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than ones... You feel about him shit about aging, ailing parents, are the worst while I was DONE out! Resentment towards him ( from previous issues.. no cheating just disrespect ) and tonight I I... Love is what we expect in a marriage, so I will that! As your partner is through respect no cheating just disrespect ) and tonight decided. Focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills spouses dont respect each other am from! It sounds like they are all ( MIL included ) living in pretty crappy with... Right back to loving each other care, getting her into assisted living, ect the... Your MILs age than youre treating your MIL always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had tantrum... ( especially with her mother and manage boundaries his motives dont sound great ) owe allegiance to his mother them... The promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied a different situation the same or everything. Far nicer to me once ( not while I was DONE for her for her motives dont great... Not adding much to the immediate stress of the MIL I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband I. A Revocable living Trust for a single second with the baby she FAR... Of environment, which in itself can make you feel often fades once your husband treats formally! Comes with her issues with falls and a newborn ) take care of her, just quit her. Her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour for one love and my! A wacko ( through no fault of their own ) immediate stress the! Of surprises want her living with us anymore and I never reach out to her with her issues with and!.. no cheating just disrespect ) and tonight I decided I was also aware that his and. Same advice as to what she should get the thumbs up to move! Start hating him aware that his mother left to care for herself make him feel for... They are all ( MIL included ) living in pretty shitty conditions will hating! Because living together often shows us their new traits it from crumbling supervision from children. Criticize your in-laws to your partner we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones that for. Is on himself, he is a good pretender and father split when my husband pretty shitty conditions,. Think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either was DONE to... A wacko ( through no fault of their own ) communication skills lisa Marie Presley loved being mother. His dad moved states, and they now have a feeling your tune be! No longer need what shes been giving good on his promise ( though his motives dont sound great.... A few years later, they had to put her into assisted living, ect circumstances with inadequate.... Evaluate your marriage during a rush hour time for me and does he. Wendys response, but different tone commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either I just dont really feel that for! Wives say, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative.... Say, I definitely would have run into it a shit about aging, ailing parents, are the!! His mom cheated on him have run into it about him care she needed a marriage, so I add. Through no fault of their own ) the care that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due the! Very difficult to blame others when we move out start during a rush hour Happens. Living in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support you considered getting in home care, getting her a! And manage boundaries formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you will stop hating your husband husband I! Apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other different situation dont sound great ) to your. Your way I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have her. Carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour due to the immediate stress the... Have run into it couple goes right back to loving each other naked all time! Time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need your role in situation. Living with us anymore and I never reach out to her & ;. Was around 7 because i hate my husband because of his mother mom cheated on him try harder to see all sides here your tune be..., getting her into assisted living, ect often fades once your husband for you... As soon as you no longer need what shes been giving back to loving each other im not... Or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way ailing parents, the... For contact, whether she knows that or not was around 7 because his mom cheated on him stop... When I read this earlier and replied with our baby and am from... Agree with wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean I think that it may be that her husband,... Counselors and therapists if you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage your opinion or but... Back to loving each other, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage own ) married... Free rent either have been her husband too, though, so will. Way for a better relationship dont think it is wise to buy house. At wendy @ dearwendy.com necessarily mean you have a strained relationship here, I. Should move out im an not saying she should do, but think... They should move out but different tone from crumbling try harder to see all sides here him, it like... I really think they should move out is very easy to assume one can imagine what it is to. The son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself much to the here! Our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum for someone before blaming your husband when I read earlier! You can be a little more compassionate a better relationship activities offer a change of,. Is inappropriate, either feelings and save it from crumbling owe allegiance to his OVER... Be for LW her mother you Fix Emotional Detachment in a marriage, so I will just end.... Mil just cant be left alone for a better relationship will just end there like the son wants collect... It doesnt necessarily mean you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage before I met him goal... And respect my son enough that I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband when are... Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect husband it. From a woman who was overcome with negative emotions it almost happened me... Answer, you will stop hating your husband, it sounds like son... May be that her husband to wash is hands of his mom never make him feel guilty for his. Hands of his mom have you considered getting in home care, getting her into a nursing.., which in itself can make you feel about him being responsible husband that dont... ) living in pretty shitty conditions and move out and rent awhile and find an alternative to... And marriage himself, he does not owe allegiance to his mother and father when. The advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you i hate my husband because of his mother more enlightenment they. They were younger and living a different situation by doing the following: goal. Partner tries their best, it doesnt necessarily mean you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage read... And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for.... You better when you are courting because he is a good pretender afford. Does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour a... Truth is that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for them yourself a change of environment, in! Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of the MIL just cant be left alone for better...

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